When It Rains...
I am drained. I am having money issues. It sucks being broke. I literally had JUST enough to pay my bills. NO extra. So tell me why my PayPal account has been hacked into? Some freaking nerd out there bought a couple hundred dollars worth of game credits. To top it off, I have two bills coming out of my account tomorrow. So now my account will likely be overdraft. I just need to find two hundred dollars on the sidewalk or something.
Did I mention I have two PayPal accounts? The other was hacked last month for over six hundred dollars. The internet and money are not my friends lately. I'm just stressed. I hate the idea of living paycheck to paycheck. I was so happy that I was able to get over the last few months of 2009's bills because of the wedding and the holidays. Trust me 1 month of living paycheck to paycheck has scared me for life.
I planned on taking a mini vacation to a casino for the weekend, but the events of this weekend have made me rethink it. I need to actually start contributing to the saving accounts I have. I can't believe I was actually entertaining the idea of having a SuperBowl party. I am so broke it really is no joke. All I can provide is a space and I haven't payed my cable bills so I really can't even guarantee a game.
This grown up stuff sucks!
And the struggle REALLY does continue...
Binge and Purge
I used to read this blog a long long time ago. I remember the author used to end each post with binge love/ purge something. I think it was bingelove. I tried to look it up but it has since been changed to invited readers only. It crossed my mind today because I was thinking about all the things we indulge in, whether it be positive or negative. We take in SO much and if we aren't careful we will forget to release/purge. These things become a part of us.
Take the most common things humans indulge in or binge on. Food, take in enough of the wrong types of food we end up overweight, sky high blood pressure, clogged arteries and everything else. Binge on alcohol long enough you destroy your liver, an organ that actually regenerates... how ironic is that?
We seldom think of the things we binge on that destroy us emotionally. Like relationships that we know are full of all the things they shouldn't be, but for the temporary satisfication we receive we are willing to dismiss the verbal/emotional abuse, the cheating, the girlfriends/wives at home, the financial burden, and all around drain (in)significant others, relatives and so called friends can be at times. We forget about the walls we build to protect ourselves. The walls that we open again and again to the same people that caused the construction. The walls we ensure are barricaded to anyone new that attempts enters our lives. The especially the people that would have been for our good.
I'm not saying we should learn to purge it all, because there's definetly lessons that should remain, just that we should pay more attention to the things we consume...
Who Dat Nation
I can't remember a time when I've seen this city come together (due to something positive) before. Black and gold is everywhere. And I love it! I have never been much of a football fan. I usually watch fourth quarters because of the excitement of seeing who wins and what last minute efforts are made. But I like the Saints. You have to support your own. And the majority of my family... my whole family ... are die-hard fans with most of the being season ticket holders... its hard to escape anyway.
While I don't live in the center of the Who Dat Nation, I do reside within the city limits. So Go Saints, Geaux Saints...
Changing Season
Wow, I can't believe its been so long since I posted. So much has changed in my life. I am now married! Yes, married... me.
I read back over my last few posts and they talking about my feelings toward marriage. For reasons I won't mention, I laughed at myself.
Updates
Well here's a little update on my Beautiful Struggle...
One of my last entries touched on my goals.
1. Working a full-time job- Still hanging in there. I really like my job. I think I am going to be there for a while so...
2. Going to grad school- I enrolled in grad school. I attended for about a week. Then Gustav came. The money I planned to use for grad school had to be spent on my week long evacuation. I really could have still attended because I have some scholarship money that I haven't used yet, but I really feel like my heart wasn't in it. I knew that when I enrolled. I had been struggling with what was a good fit for my current job, but I know that my long term goals differ. The program I enrolled in was specialized so I had to be sure that was the right decision... and I wasn't. There were two options and I chose the other one. And I'll be starting in January.
3. Starting my own businessI have started the business. It has been operational for a few months now. I haven't had much time to focus on advertising and the like yet. I have had several sales though. But my overhead is very low, so I'm not feeling the effects of nor having that Grand Opening/ advertising traffic.
4. Keeping up with my part-time hustle I quit that. I ended up spending more than I was making and to be honest that took way to much effort.
5. Possibly looking for a part-time jobI have a few options lined up for this.
Overall, things are going pretty well. It seems like my time is tight. Not that I'm doing so much cause I'm really not. I'm just tired. I try to relax, but that ends up wearing me out.
Alright, I'm tired. Hope to update soon.
Labels: Daily Dish
Fatal Attraction
I know ya'll have hear about the Houswives of Atlanta by now, probably read about it on blogs.
Kim is freaking me out the way she keeps feeding Sheree's ego. OMG! She has called her beautiful so many times that I feel Sheree should be personally documenting this shit for the (inevitable)day she has to get a restraining order against her.
Don't get my wrong now. It's cool to compliment your friends but when you start thinking she has the body you were supposed to be born in...(insert Psycho theme here).
She has already said she thinks she should have been born a black woman. She has said she thinks they look alike.
P.S. Kim was wrong for saying Sheree's son looks like O.J. Simpson. Everyone should know, true or not, that shit is NOT a compliment.
Labels: Daily Dish, TV/ Movies
Swagger Back?
In an effort to get reacquainted with the blogging world I decided to visit a few blogs today. One blog led to the next blog to the next... and I came across this one called
Searching for My Swagger. Just the title alone reminded me of a conversation I had with a some people awhile back. The age group varied mostly a 16- 22ish with a few adults, no one over 30 I think.
We were talking about what attracted them to members of the opposite sex. At first I wasn't an active participant in the conversation, I was just listening...
Have you ever noticed that you can really learn so much more about a person, especially a shady person, from their conversations with other people than you can from a conversation
you have with them. People actually get to choose how they want others to see them. It is actually very interesting to watch as it unfolds. To see how a person adapts to fit the chosen image... and how that image can change with each person in a given room... Just a thought...
Anyway, I'm listening to the usual... butt, breasts, chests, arms ... and every now and then a personality trait. Of course, the adults would throw in the "you should like a person for who they are not what they look like", as if that's what they REALLY do. Now, I haven't really been a person to go for the handsome or sexy type, I usually go for the "cute in a goofy kinda way" or the "there's something about him" type. So, when the adults started loosing I was dragged into the convo.
My answer was simple... his swagger.
They wanted me to be more specific. But to me swagger is specific yet all encompassing at the same time. It's the way a man walks, talks, the way he carries himself. It's the way his clothes drape his body, the way his pants/jeans gather at this ankles, his smile, his laugh, it's everything about him... It's what you notice about him from a mile away. Sure he can put on a front... but when he does it's obvious (at least to people who know what true swagger is).
It's something he doesn't get to choose. Swagger is shaped by personal experience. And contrary to popular belief, it can't be manufactured by popular culture (though many have tried) and it should not be a measure of conceit. It's just who you are. It's almost like your self-image displayed through semi-physical attributes... Does that make since? Hell... it's almost indescribable. Swagger is just one of those things that you know when you see it.
It pisses me off behind belief that some people have turned swagger into something attainable. Giving lame asses hope that they can actually be cool if they work at it. They are on this whole "get your swagger up" campaign as if their shit is genuine.
Now, don't get me wrong swagger can change but we aren't active in that change. Just as we change our priorities as we grow older, and they way we view our role in the world, I think swagger adapts to mirror that change. But it is in no way a conscious choice.
So try as the may...
Side Note: The way I just described it is weird, as if swagger can only be positive. But swagger can be negative... but if it is then it shouldn't be called swagger. Is it lack of swagger? What should it be called?
All Roses...
So who woulda thought I had a really cool boyfriend. His has sent me flowers about 3 times over the course of our relationship.. which is going on a year next month (continously. That's not to say we haven't broken up a time or two but that has only lasted a day or two. I guess that means I really am making progress because this is definately new for me.
Anyway, everytime he has sent me flowers they have been to my house... this time they came to my job. And they were even prettier than the rest. A dozen roses and the prettiest calla lillies. I took a pic of them, but it doesn't do them justice. There are huge and heavy.
About a week or two ago I finally shared a by blog with him. I let him read a few select entries. I haven't gotten to the point where I'm ready to give him free access just yet. I have mentioned to him that I wrote about him a few times... long before we were what we are now. If I ever do I might just turn those entries into drafts... but then again I should stay true to my growing process and leave them there.
Added to the Soundtrack of My Life...
Raisin' my fingers to critics; raisin' my head to the sky
BIG I did it - multi before I die
No lie, just know I chose my own fate
I drove by the fork in the road and went straight
Renegade- Jay-Z's verse (Eminem & Jay-Z)
I know I trip sometimes but I haven't heard this song in a long ass time but this particular part of the song keeps playing in my head. I guess because I want this to reflect my life. There is so much I want to do but I just can't find my grounding to do it all. This should be the song playing in the
Soundtrack of My Life right now.
I have started my own business. Business license, logo, website, tax id number, recipes,supplies, packaging, marketing ideas... done. But I haven't actually started producing products yet. It's so easy for me to come home after a
long day of work and say "I'm tired, I'll start tomorrow."
But this isn't helping me at all. I want to start the business. I want to go to grad school. I want to do all these things but I also want to be realistic. I can do two things if I really commit. But is...
1. Working a full-time job
2. Going to grad school
3. Starting my own business
4. Keeping up with my part-time hustle
5. Possibly looking for a part-time jobreally realistic?
Do I have to choose which is most important to me? How can I do that when they are all important to me? Especially 1-3, and 4 & 5 are necessities for my other goal of buying a house.
I guess I have to just suck it up and do it. Because the reality of it is not that I am not capable enough but am I committed enough.
Side Note: I really a little better because I didn't realize I had a accomplished so much of getting the business of the ground.
Labels: Love/ Life, Lyrics of Life, The Beautiful Struggle
GasBusters
I just pumped gas and the total came to $48.72. For a sedan! I could see if I was ridin big body but damn. I know I have it easy compared to other parts of the country. But I may be hitting up my local "Park 'N Ride" soon. I bus pass is cheaper than that.
That really make me think about that boarded up gas station. I remember my first car
Susie only took 12 bucks to fill up. And I'm not that damn old. It was only 8 years ago. Whoa! 8 years was a while back. Please disregard...
The point is $48.72 is high! Carry on...
The other day I was flipping through the channels and Cox Cable was filling up random people's gas tanks as a thank you for their anniversary or something. Wish they were out his morning. Yesterday Ghostbusters was on... we need some Gasbusters or something. This is getting out of hand.
Labels: Daily Dish
It Ain't Dere No Mo'
Last night I couldn't sleep. That wasn't unusual, but it hasn't happended since the I started using this super fan. Anyway, instead of counting sheep I found myself counting all the things I miss about this city. Things that I hoped would return.
It's been quite ironic to create a "new" normal when I don't have to visit different parts of the city. I don't visit because the original purpose is no longer there. And as I have gotten re-acquainted with being all wrapped up into my own "new" life for a moment I forgot. I have only been visiting places that have "come back", a term that is used often around here these days. It is so so easy to forget. Maybe that isn't the right word. You REALLY don't forget. But its easier to let it slip to the back of your mind.
Yesterday, I ventured out to the Gentilly area. I passed a boarded up gas station. The gas there was $2.54. I couldn't help but laugh to myself. One, because I wished I could pump gas there and Two, because in August it will have been three years since, and no matter how hard we try to let the memories slip,reminders will always be here, whether physically or mentally.
There is this really corny yet nostalgic commercial/ video of some old white guys singing about all the things that are no longer "here", things that are reminiscent of the old New Orleans. I tried to find it on YouTube but I couldn't.
Labels: Daily Dish, The Struggle
R.I.P. The Wire... June 2, 2002- March 9, 2008
R.I.P.
The Wire
June 2, 2002- March 9, 2008
Gone But Not Forgotten This song is dedicated to my homies
In that gangsta lean
Why'd you have to go so soon?
It seems like yesterday we were hanging
Round the hood
Now I'm gonna keep your memory alive
Like a homie should
A lifetime of memories
Going down the drain
I'd like to keep stepping
But I can't get past the pain
- Gangsta Lean By DRS
Side Note: I just couldn't resist putting that song up there.
21 days...
They say it takes 21 days of doing something for it to become a habit. I think that may be why blogging worked so well for me in the beginning. I made it a point to post an entry everyday for a while... even if it was nothing more than the dumbiest thing I saw/ heard/did that day.
My job hasn't been that joy it once was for a few weeks now. I have become emotionally invested/attached. And that is something I just don't do too often. I think I may have to revert to the
The Gift and The Curse.
The Righteous Ones... Vol 3
{For Background Info See:
The Righteous Ones... Vol 1 &
The Righteous One... Vol 2}
Side Note: So, I wanted to open up this post with some lyrics and the first thing that came to mind was something off of the Brown Sugar soundtrack because it just reminded me of our relationship but in a weird way not so much. Was gonna use the Erykah Badu "Love of My Life... but that didn't really work either cause I don't like his ass like that.
Anyway, the third person added to this list is HBF (Can't remember what I referred to him as in previous posts. If I find anything different I will edit.)
Around Christmas time 1994 we moved to a new house. I was in the seventh grade. I felt kinda big time because with the move came my own personal phone number. That was also the end of John (See:
My First Love. So I guess I was kinda looking for a replacement. So, Christmas Day 1994 my mom's friend came over to visit. Christmas is always at our house. She had two kids, one my age (a boy, lets call him Jay) and one the same age as my sister(a girl). I was a teenager so I wasn't really trying to hang with the younger kids. So we (me and Jay) decided to call people. I was supposed to call one of my girls and he was gonna call one of his boys. Ya'll know how that goes. I can't remember who I called but I am pretty sure it was TMR. And he called his boy ... can't think of what I wanna call him... HBF... I guess. I wasn't really feeling the whole hook me up element of it, so I figured I would just talk to dude that day and that would be the end of it.
Obviously, that wasn't the case. Hence the reason for this post. His boy was kinda cool. I found out his birthday was the day after mine, so I guess we kinda bonded over that. We talked for a good while. Jay left, everyone went home, and HBF called back. I was a little bored so I talked to him. Don't know what about but I remember talking to him all day, everyday until New Years Day. We began talking regularly like but it was extremely weird talking to someone everyday that you have never seen before. But, for some reason it was cool because our conversations never really took on a romantic vibe, it remained friendly... (although it didn't stay that was as we got older, but that is so a story for another day... I think that might just be the one thing I don't think I will share here). I was able to talk to him about things I couldn't talk to TMR or Nani about. Or at least I felt more comfortable talking to him about them. Despite having TMR and Nani as friends, I confided in him. For a while I even considered him my best friend.
So, one day we decided to exchange pics. He mailed me a pic... I had to get his first. I vividly remember this speech he gave about it being the only recent pic he has. I thought he was just making excuses. He sent this pic of him with a butcher knife in one hand and a rubber chicken in the other. And I understood the speech.
I remember being in the 8th or 9th grade. We had to make sure babies in Health class. That was our version of the carrying around an egg as a very ineffective way to demonstrate the responsibility of parenthood. We had to make birth certificates and everything. He was the father of my sugar baby. That whole week his crazy ass kept calling me talking about why I wouldn't let him see his baby.
We talked for about 4 years before I saw him in person. But that time doesn't really count because it was in passing. He asked to take me to prom but I didn't want to go to prom. I agreed after my mama tried to force me to go. But being the strong willed person that I am I wasn't having being forced to go anywhere. So, I tried to take a stand, but she made me go anyway so I went alone thinking she wouldn't REALLY make me go alone. I should just went with him in the beginning.
So along came college and we really started hanging out, just in a different way... Just realizing, his story isn't as interesting as Vol 1 & 2. But in no way does the background story reflect our true friendship. He has stood by me through a lot, including "taking care of" my stalker ( another story for another day). And even though nothing has completely gotten rid of the stalker, HBF kept his crazy ass away for quite a while... even Pops couldn't do that.
It's kinda funny that every time I see Jay, he asks about HBF. We laugh a little about how what should been a teenage fling has, so far, ended up being a lifelong friendship.
Labels: The Righteous Ones
Choices
CHOICES
If i can't do
what i want to do
then my job is to not
do what i don't want
to do
It's not the same thing
but it's the best i can
do
If i can't have
what i want . . . then
my job is to want
what i've got
and be satisfied
that at least there
is something more to want
Since i can't go
where i need
to go . . . then i must . . . go
where the signs point
through always understanding
parallel movement
isn't lateral
When i can't express
what i really feel
i practice feeling
what i can express
and none of it is equal
I know
but that's why mankind
alone among the animals
learns to cry
Written by Nikki Giovanni
It's Been A Long Time Coming...
But a change is gonna come...
I know probably no one reads this blog anymore but... I really am going to start making an effort to blog more. I remember how therapeutic this used to be. It seems that now that I halfway have a life, I have nothing to really blog about. Or the stuff I want to blog about isn't really something I want people to know... or at least have the people I know that read this blog know. Does that make since?
Seem like when I didn't have a life I had something to blog about damn near everyday. It's hard to miss the irony in that.
I have an announcement (If anyone cares) that I probably make in a few weeks. But that's neither here nor there for the moment.
And this is for anyone that is happening to pass through this site... it wasn't always this boring... browse the archives!
Mixtape Monday... Vol. 13
1. We All Want The Same Thing- Kevin Michael
2. Hate On Me- Jill Scott... Yes, she's back!!! This is in heavy rotation for me right now.
3. This One- Onitsha (The YouTube version)
4. To Love Again- Gordon Chambers feat. Ledisi
5. International Players Anthem- Ugk feat. Outkast... for some reason I have always liked Pimp C's voice. I guess that's the dirty south in me.
~*Happy Listening*~Labels: Mixtape Monday
Back From Break
I have been telling myself I was going to start blogging again for the last few weeks but never quite got around to it. I kept saying I would start back on a Monday with an energetic playlist, but today I have had a lot on my mind and I remember how good it used to feel to just log on and type it all here.
Don't know if you noticed or not but I switched back to myold template because the blogger beat ones suck, and this one is so me anyway.
I guess I should start off with an update. I am now a college graduate... finally! I feels good. I had to really buckle down that last semster because I also started my service year with Americorp back in January which = full-time job/ full-time student.
Well, just typing that raised by spirits so I guess thats all for now... but I'm definitely back!!!
Labels: Daily Dish
Going Chris and Snoop On Dat Ass
Whats up? I knowing it has been a minute but I have been getting my affairs in order.
Anyway, I have seen this expression quite a few times over the last week or two. According to the Greatest Cataphrases show that aired a couple of weeks ago, you know your show is a hit with viewers when it inflitrates casual conversation... So I am wondering how long it will take before EVERYBODY starts using it now that BET has picked up the series and brought it to the masses.
At least a two months to get through the first couple of seasons hopefully...
Peace Out!
Labels: TV/ Movies
It's My Birthday!!!!
I turned 24 years old today... I let you know if anything exciting happens
Labels: Daily Dish
Mixtape Monday... Vol. 12
1.
Crusin- Smokie Robinson
2.
Love Rain- Jill Scott & Mos Def
3.
Daddy's Little Girl- Nikki D
4.
Hell No- Monica
5.
Smooth- Santana featuring Rob Thomas
Labels: Mixtape Monday
Homecoming: HBCU Style
So Saturday I went to Southern's Homecoming with the fam. We left here about 4am to drive to Baton Rouge, a little over an hour away to get a good tailgating spot. We set up shop and about 10 minutes later another car pulls along side of us with a kitchen stove.
I know I said I was gonna start carrying my digital camera with me so that I can post some of the weirdness I see on the daily. Well my battery died mid pic so the picture is a blurry but please check it out. Dude brought concert size speakers too.
My dad made the comment "Say man you brought the whole kitchen huh?
Dude was like " Yea, I ain't come here to play"
Gotta love it though...
Labels: Daily Dish
Come And Get Ya Soul Food
Yesterday attended this poetry event at Tulane with Zee. It was really nice. The crowd was small but not too small. I thought the crowd was too big for everyone to introduce themselves but apparently it wasn't. The emcee Kalamu Ya Salaam asked everyone to introduce themselves. I was a bit shocked but it cool.
The poets performing included(taken from the program):
Amiri Baraka- Hopefully that's all the info needed on...Revolutionany beat poet
Wanda Coleman- L.A. blues woman and comedian
Ken McClane- W.E.B. Dubois professor of English at Cornell
University
Don Paul- Common Ground Poet in Residence
Tim Congdon- Common Ground Poet in Residence
and the NOLA Based National Slam Champions... personally the New Orleans poets were my favorite part of the program.
Sunni Patterson-
Click here to hear performance. Although that was not one of the pieces she perfomed.
Asali DevanHollywoodNote:It is Monday November 5th I searched all week to find clips of any perfomance from Asali Devan and Hollywood with no luck so I just decided to go on ahead and post it today. Labels: Daily Dish, Inspire/Enlighten Me
Mixtape Monday... Vol. 11
So me and Rae hit up the wedding of one of her coworkers Saturday so that's where this Mixtape Monday will come from.... Please keep in mind that this is a New Orleans style wedding.
1. Summer Rain- Carl Thomas
2. Right Kinda Lover- Patti LaBelle
3. Grown and Sexy- Babyface
4. Red Hot Pepper Boy- Partners-N-Crime
5. Whateva John Legend song that is on the bounce beat (Nani, I know you know... leave the name in the comments for me please)
Honorable Mention- Before I let Go- Maze featuring Frankie Beverly
Labels: Mixtape Monday
